Dating violence prevention is often taught through the perspective of how to avoid being harmed: the buddy system, bystander intervention, cover your drink, meet in a public place, and learn how to say “no.” While these are important skills, anti-violence can be tackled from another angle: teaching kids, including teens, how not to harm.
Some of our recent articles have explored how to model healthy relationships, how to understand generative AI and consent, and how to recognize the teen mental health crisis. All of the information and tools in those articles can be used to teach young people how not to harm. Here, we will expand on those topics by exploring how to recognize and respect “no,” empathize, and challenge unsafe gender stereotypes from online trends.
“No” is a complete sentence. let’s raise teens who act like it.
Consent is often discussed through the lens of sex and dating relationships. Consent exists far beyond intimate interactions and can be incorporated into day-to-day life. This allows teens to regularly see and experience what accepting “no” sounds and looks like while also seeing the nuances around consent. Research shows that less than 1/3 of people in the U.S. were taught about consent in their sex education classes and that ambiguous communication, such as silence, is often perceived as “yes.”
Why Overriding “No” Teaches the Wrong Lesson
Parents, guardians, teachers, and other adults can become accustomed to pulling the adult card to override a “no” from young people. Everyone has probably heard and said some version of the following: “Be nice and give your aunt a hug”, “I don’t care if you don’t want to do it, you have to”, or “saying ‘no’ is rude.” These moments don’t just teach teens that their “no” doesn’t matter; they also say that if something is fun, polite, or a responsibility, “no” can be ignored.
How to Honor “No” and Explore Consent
Incorporating consent practices that honor “no” and explore consent before the sex talk can look like the following:
Ask questions to provide space for “no.”
This might sound like:
- “How do you want to greet your aunt?”
- “Can I give you a hug?”
- “Are you having fun still?”
When playing or joking around, stop when people aren’t enjoying it.
This might look like people joking, roughhousing, tickling, playing a game, etc., and someone stops participating or enjoying themselves. This can show up in a variety of ways: they might shut down, stop laughing, stop engaging, say “stop,” say that they’re hurt, or express anger or sadness.
When a fun activity is underway and someone is no longer enjoying it, checking in and stopping is vital. This teaches any young people participating and watching that you don’t just continue on when you’re having fun and enjoying yourself and others aren’t.
For responsibilities that must happen, provide options so there is still the power of choice.
For example, a young person may say they won’t do their chores. Navigating this situation might look like a conversation about responsibility, with options and choices for when and how they can follow through with the tasks. If the response is still “no,” it can become a conversation about consequences and accountability. To explore more on discipline through accountability, check out restorative practices at home, from Jeffco Public Schools.
If you are a parent, guardian, or leader talking with young people, refrain from overriding their “no” with “do it now because I said so.” Avoiding this type of communication teaches that power shouldn’t be used to disregard consent. Approaching required tasks through responsibility and accountability also helps build community and social-emotional skills.
Respect body language, apprehension, and silence as “no.”
“No” can show up without someone directly saying “no.” “No” may be conveyed through nonverbal cues such as fidgeting, covering one’s neck, or crossing one’s arms. “No” might sound like apprehension, such as “I guess,” “maybe,” or “I’m not sure.” No might also sound and look like nothing when someone is unsure of how to respond. No might be an unexpected response, such as an angry outburst or inappropriate laughter. Actively engaging “no” through this lens teaches young people how to bring those skills into their lives, including dating relationships.
The Golden Rule Still Works: Why Empathy Prevents Harm
Empathy has faced criticism in recent years. Empathy, simply put, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Dr. Karin Schumann, a professor of Social Psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, notes in Cultivating Empathy, that higher levels of empathy promote behaviors like forgiveness and helping while decreasing behaviors like bullying and aggression. This allows teens to navigate conflict, frustration, and confusion with an understanding that they are engaging with a person who is also having their own feelings and experience.
How Social-Emotional Learning Reduces Bullying and Violence
Through official K-12 education, expanding empathy skills shows up as social-emotional learning (SEL) curricula. SEL is an educational approach that focuses on teaching young people to understand their feelings and empathize. This framework focuses on self-awareness, self-management, responsible decision-making, relationship skills, and social awareness. Students receiving SEL education show a decrease in bullying, aggression, emotional distress, and discipline problems. This creates safer schools and promotes healthy peer interaction and relationships.
Small Daily Habits That Build Big empathy skills
In a non-curriculum-based practices this looks like adults taking space and rest for themselves, checking in with kids to see how they are feeling, celebrating little wins, practicing conflict resolution skills, doing small acts of kindness in the house, or even playing cooperative board/card games with each other. These everyday interactions build empathy skills and teach young people to engage in healthy, safe ways.
To learn more about incorporating these practices in a school setting or personal life, check out this handout from Changing Perspectives that explores SEL with high school students.
Online Trends are Writing Gender Rules. Are We Paying Attention?
According to the Pew Research Center, 96% of teens use the internet daily, with almost half being online constantly. The content teens take in shapes their perception of self, gender, and relationships. There are a few growing social media trends that promote domination, silence, violence, and boys and girls not stepping outside of their “roles.” These ideas used to be confined to specific communities, but with constant digital connection, algorithms, and influencers, they are now a part of everyday internet interactions. There are two relevant trends that represent shifting ideas around gender norms: “manosphere” and “femosphere”.
The manosphere, according to UN Women, is a loose network of communities that claim to address men’s struggles, such as dating, fitness, or fatherhood. While the femosphere is a movement in response to “girlboss feminism” that focuses on truth, material worth, and women as a sex class. While these loose networks don’t function together, they do send the same harmful messages: only straight cisgender people exist, girls and women are valuable for sex, boys and men are valuable based on how they dominate, and looks are everything.
Influencers, Algorithms, and the Spread of Harmful Gender Roles
Not everyone online is in manosphere or femosphere communities, but with algorithms, this content is far-reaching and capitalizes on insecurities, worries, or curiosities. If a teenager has a crush, they might jump online to explore what to do. Content from the manosphere and femosphere will most likely end up on their feed. The content won’t immediately present as “women=sex objects” or “men=dominance.” It might be a pickup artist teaching young people how to flirt, using coercive and manipulative techniques. Or a woman promoting “health” femininity by declaring that men chase and women should be chased. Or a creator talking about the thinner, stronger, and more attractive you are, the more people will want you. When unchallenged and unaddressed, this leads down a path that discusses girls and women solely through a lens of sex and boys and men through dominance, power, and control.
Challenging Harmful Gender Norms at Home
When the internet is pervasive and a part of almost every aspect of young people’s lives, how can this be challenged?
- Watch, read, and engage with content that young people in your life are engaging with and talk to them about it
- Challenge gender norms in your personal life, such as boys and men shouldn’t cry, girls and women should be quiet, or people should dress and look a certain way to make them more attractive/valuable
- Talk about consent and pleasure so sex is a safe, shared experience rather than one of domination and power
- Directly address jokes or silly comments that might make light of harmful gender norms
- Let young people ask questions, without shame or fear, so they aren’t forced to learn from influencers online
- Build young people’s confidence and self-worth, and if they are struggling with insecurity, be a safe adult for them to process with
- Share positive and safe online spaces and influencers with young people
TLDR
Every interaction a teenager has teaches them what is acceptable and what is not in relationships. Stopping dating violence includes teaching young people how not to harm. Some ways to do that are
- Respect “no,” and teach young people to respect “no” through words or body language, even if it means the fun stops. Explore how to incorporate restorative practices at home.
- Practice empathy skills to create safety in conflict, openly share feelings, and enhance respect and understanding for others. Explore how to incorporate social-emotional learning at home.
- Challenge online content promoting gender norms, such as that boys and men’s value comes from dominance and power, girls and women’s value comes from their bodies and sex, and looks are the most important thing about a person. Explore actionable steps to challenge unhealthy gender norms online.
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